On November 25, 2018 I wrote a post about WORTH – more specifically, feeling WORTHY OF WORTH. That post was the result of the first few months of my book tour for “A Big Important Art Book – Now with Women”. I’d noticed a recurring theme of people – especially artists – not believing they were worthy of living creative lives.
Five days after I wrote that post, my dad died. It was sudden, unexpected, and an absolute shock to my family. Everything stopped. My book tour, my urge to create, my will to shower daily. True. My dad has always been my biggest cheerleader – he pushed me hard too {which wasn’t always fun}, but he was in my corner every minute of my life.
I’ve had a long, hard winter. Never experiencing this kind of grief, I didn’t truly know the range of emotions you can experience in a matter of minutes. I was sad, then okay, then very very angry, back to crying uncontrollably, and then okay again. Honestly, I’m still riding that rollercoaster, but I’ve learned to accept the dizzying effects. The best advice I got was from a childhood friend who also recently lost her dad. She wisely said, “it’s okay to not be okay.” That’s hard for a control freak who tries to be on top of everything all the time, but allowing myself to “not be okay” has been the greatest gift I could give myself. If you’re going through any kind of grief right now, I hope this advice helps you too.
All of this to say, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. It’s cliche, but life is short. My dad certainly had no idea that his last day on this earth would be after on a morning training run on the beach in Jamaica just days before the event he was there to run. So, what matters to me? What do I want? What do I want to do with whatever amount of time I have here?
I want to make my own art, and I want to help other people feel worthy of living a creative life too.
In late February, my grief fog started to lift a little – ie., I started brushing my hair again. My dad has always wanted me to kick ass at whatever I set out to do… so here we are. I built a studio in my basement. I have reached out to people who I admire for help with what my next steps should be. I have been making art every day. I finally wrote and pitched a children’s book that I’ve been thinking about {ie., hesitating to pitch} for three years … still waiting to hear about that one, but I’ll keep you posted!
People who follow me on Instagram have commented/noticed the sudden fire under my own artwork, and have been asking how, what, why? Well, all of that lonely soul-searching is definitely a factor, but there have also been FIVE key things. Now, this is in no way a sales pitch for ANYTHING so please don’t read it that way. It’s just the truth. I’ve never been much of a joiner… I don’t join groups, I have never liked talking to other people about my art, I’ve never even been part of a book club. That said, I’ve realized in the past few years of writing books and delving into the uncomfortable world of creative blocks and inner critics, that having the support of other creative people is absolutely crucial. You don’t need a tribe of 100 people… 2 or 3 will work just fine, and they don’t even need to be in your town. Most of my “tribe” are friends who live on the other side of the planet. Ok, so, here are the FIVE things that have pushed me to stop f’n around:
- My Dad. His famous line {used on me, my sister and my brother} was always, “the harder you work, the luckier you get.” Yep.
- Going to Venice in 2017 and 2018. Talk about a rollercoaster. The Venice Biennale is filled with the most insane artwork. Work that takes your breath away. Work that made me think, “My simple little collages are so pointless!” Now, the old me would have just quit right then and there, but ‘The Jealous Curator’ took her own advice, sat down with an espresso beside the Grand Canal and wrote a list of why her work was important, but also how she could push it further. This is not a sales pitch for attending the European Cultural Academy in Venice this July, but it is a pretty transformative place / experience. {FYI, I’m one of the teachers in July}
- Pennylane Shen. Damn. She is an artist consultant who will sit down with you {either in person or via Skype}, and help guide you / your work to the next level. If you follow me on Instagram you might have noticed my “simple collages” getting a lot less simple. Yep, that’s a combination of the Venice experience and working with Pennylane. Oh, and she also convinced me to finally build a proper website for my art.
- Turning my 100 year old basement into a studio. My husband suggested this after the millionth time I complained about not having enough room to take my work from small paper pieces to large panels. I didn’t procrastinate, I didn’t find reasons it wouldn’t work, I just got it done. March was filled end to end with renos {pictures coming soon!}, and voila, it’s done. Now, after I drop my son off at school, I “go to work”. I pour a coffee, put on my paint-covered apron, kiss my husband goodbye and head down to my studio for the day. Sometimes I cry due to overwhelming happiness.
- Thrive. Again, not a sales pitch, just something I’ve been doing for the last couple of years that has helped me find my way. If you haven’t heard me talk about them before, it’s basically a mastermind group {online} for female/female identified artists from all over the world. I think it’s the accountability that goes along with our once a month meetings that has helped me make a plan and stay on track… when you know you have a meeting coming up, it kinda lights a fire under you to do the stuff you told your group you were gonna do!
My sleeves are rolled up, and there will be no more apologizing, hesitating, or feeling unworthy of the success I want. I’m going to go get it. I’m going to make my cheerleader proud.
Thank you for listening. ps. If you’re wondering why my podcast has been on hold, see above. It will come back, but the grief rollercoaster is not conducive to recording conversations with people you don’t know! Until I feel ready, there are 151 episodes archived for you.
